Saturday, September 17, 2005

Why Men Suck

In no particular order, here are some of the reasons men suck :

  • they can spit 20 yards into the wind and hit a moving target, yet they make a complete mess out of the stationary toilet not 2 feet away
  • they leave the toilet seat up, and laugh when you fall in
  • they stare at my breasts as if that is where my brain has chosen to reside
  • they whine and beg and badger you for sex...and then it's lousy until you show them how to do it right
  • they watch porn and get off on it, but they don't laugh at it
  • they think a smack on the ass and "you'll get 'em next time" is an appropriate way to end a four year relationship
  • in a perfect world, if we needed to talk to them during an important game, we'd appear in a little box in one corner of the screen, and only during time outs
  • they think the dashboard provides romantic mood lighting
  • they watch "COPS"
  • they think unhooking a woman's bra with one hand is a talent
  • who do you think produces and watches all those "The Worlds' Worst Car Crashes and Dental Surgery Mishaps" on FOX?
  • they will cheat on you if given half a chance, and then blame it on the girl
  • they won't hug each other 'cause that's "gay", but they'll smack each other on the ass for "luck" during a good game of "touch" football
  • they need instant replay to remember the score and the penalty that took place not 30 seconds ago
  • Penthouse magazine and those close up shots of the models' twat where you can practically see her cervix. Who the hell finds that sexy?
  • we all know who visits sites like
  • it's okay, even encouraged for a guy to be a slut
  • they talk to us in monosyllabic grunts, but they can talk to their fucking dogs like this..."Who's my baby? Who's my baby? Who's a happy puppy? Awwwww...gimmee kisses girl, that's my girl.."
  • they assume that just because I am single, in a bar and drinking, that I want to get drunk and have sex with them
  • only a man would use Roofies to score
  • they're all looking for a "nice, funny, smart girl" who just happens to look like Pamela Anderson and has the libido of a rabbit
  • they never call when you want them to, or when they say they will
  • they never stop calling when you would rather eat live tarantulas than share an area code with them
  • only men will eat blood sausage and pickled eggs
  • they are obsessed with their penises
  • they will go to a strip club to watch a stranger gyrate to cheesy music and show off her stretch marks and caesarian scars
  • they take it personally when you don't want to date them
  • after making love, they get up and raid the fridge...and the cynics say romance is dead
  • they will eat mysterious food, originating deep within the bowels of the fridge, as long as it doesn't "smell too bad"
  • bodily functions, and the assorted sounds and smells associated with them are a source of endless amusement
  • they think making videos of the two of you screwing is a good idea
  • lesbian and catholic schoolgirl fetishes
  • the deep thoughts of men..."Who won the game last night?"..."What's the coolest car I ever did it in?"..."I am hungry"
  • they don't have to deal with childbirth...some of them even manage to avoid child rearing

Monday, September 12, 2005

The Rules

Our blog, our rules -

Basically you can say whatever you want. Unless of course, you're Stormtrooper. Then we won't let you say anything at all. We'll merrily delete your posts if we so much as suspect you're our own dear little Stormie.


The guy is a jerk. A pain in the ass. And he used to have the world's crappiest website (oh, so so so ugly. Navigate like a shopping cart. World's un-funniest jokes. Most uninformed opinions ever. Three sentence essays on 'his world'. Referred to himself in the third person. Oh, it was painful). We don't like him. So we delete his comments.

What's that? That makes us jerks, too?

We're comfortable with that.

Wednesday, September 07, 2005

Pick Up Artist

In no particular order, here's our favorite pickup lines, culled from several area bars. Peruse, and then send us your favorites.
  • Nice shoes. Wanna fuck?
  • What fucks like a tiger and winks? *winks*
  • *licks your shoulder* Let's get you out of those wet clothes
  • Is that Windex you're wearing? 'Cause I can see myself in your pants.
  • Yo, hot bitch. How's your evening?
  • The word for the night is "legs". Let's go back to my place and spread the word.
  • Ever fucked an Irishman?
  • I've got a 6 inch tongue and I can breathe through my ears
  • That dress would look great on my floor
  • Should I buy you a drink or just give you the money?
  • Fuck me if I'm wrong, but is your name Yolanda?
  • So, how do you like your eggs?
  • Aren't you tired yet? You've been running through my mind all night
  • Can I borrow your phone? I need to call heaven and tell them I've found that missing angel
  • You know, I haven't had sex in six months. You want to do some charity work?
  • Can I kiss you? No? So I guess sex is out, too?
  • I'd love to wear your ass as a hat

Tuesday, September 06, 2005

Things Men Never Say

Here's a few phrases you'll never hear from any man. We sure as hell haven't.
  • "Here, let me hold your purse while you try that on."
  • "As long as I'm up, can I get you anything?"
  • "Forget Monday Night Football, The OC is on!"
  • "Do you want the remote?"
  • "Sex isn't all that important. Sometimes, I just want to be held."
  • "She's okay I guess. I'd see her again, but her breasts are just so big."
  • "You look tired. Let me do the vacuuming."
  • "Yes, it'd be great if your mom stayed with us for a week."
  • "You know, we never talk anymore."
  • "Excuse me" (be it for running you over in a crowd, farting in front of you, or burping so loudly that windows shattered)
  • "I think I've really hurt myself. You better take me to the hospital and get this reattached."
  • "You've had a hard day. Let's make reservations."

Men You Never Date

We all know how hard it is to find a decent guy anywhere. So we put together this list to aid you in your search. Below are all the men you should never date.

Did you read that?


Poverty,desperation, and thermonuclear holocaust are not excuses.
  • you phone him to see if he's busy on Friday, and you hear a woman's and children's voices in the background
  • he lends you his jacket on a cold day, and you find a subpeona for child support payment delinquency in the pocket
  • you mention his name to your friends, and they all groan
  • some of them even cry
  • he's been married 3 times...and he's only 25
  • he's your gynecologist
  • he's got prettier hair and nails than you
  • he likes to go shoe shopping with you
  • he's played "Run for the Ton" with his buddies
  • and he won
  • he's been single for a year, but there's a copy of the latest "Victoria's Secret" catalog in the bathroom
  • you see a jar of K-Y next to his bed the first time you visit his apartment
  • he offers you money for sex, or the opportunity to see you mudwrestle with your friends
  • mentions his lesbian fetish on the first date
  • he's dated any of your friends
  • his idea of foreplay involves the words "...on your knees and worship me"
  • you met him online, and now he wants to meet for lunch...just as soon as his conditional release is sorted out
  • you used to go to school with his kids
  • you used to babysit his kids
  • he's currently serving time for an 'incident with my ex'
  • you hear him brag to his buddies "I've finally figured out the code for Tomb Raider that'll make Lara take her clothes off!"
  • he orders a white zinfandel in a club
  • his high school diploma is framed and hanging on his bedroom wall

Men and Dogs

Men and dogs have a lot in common. They eat the same, they smell the same, and they think the same. No wonder they're best friends

For example, both men and dogs feel the same way about food on the floor:
"It's been down for two seconds--it's mine!"
They are territorial:
"If it smells like me, it's mine!"
"If it even looks like mine--it's mine!"
They are possessive:
"If I put it in my mouth, it's mine!"
"If I tear it into a million tiny pieces, all million pieces are mine!"

They have no concept of privacy: both will urinate right in front of you without embarrassment. Both will urinate in the great outdoors without shame. Neither can be trained to put the toilet seat down.
They will eat anything. But only the dog will get excited if you make the same thing for dinner every night.
Both will be inexplicably excited about a new toy, refuse to share it with anyone else, and promptly destroy it.
Neither will ever understand what you see in cats.
Both will fuck anything that sits still long enough to be humped--be it anyone's legs, the furniture, or the first slutty female they can find.
Both will bring you dead things as a token of affection.
Both chase things they don't know how to use properly. Men chase women they have no intention of marrying; dogs chase cars.

Both will sleep on the floor if you tell them to.

Neither behaves when company is over.